Sample Journal Entries - Duo Maxwell (Gundam Wing)
Saturday, Dec 31, AC 196 (wee hours of the morning)


Look, Ma, I'm on TV! I never wanna turn on another one of those goddamn things again. You never know what they'll be saying about you. The last two years are like one big, long, messed up day, for me. I don't remember when anything happened. We spent so much time moving around, I can't even say, "Oh yeah, that was summer, cuz it was hot out." The whole world isn't hot at the same time, space is never hot.

So today was the anniversary of some important battle last year, and I had no idea. I swear to God, I don't freaking get news channels. Every time I turn one on, they're dragging up all this crap from wars and screw ups that already happened. That's not really news anymore, is it? It's depressing. If it wasn't, I would be laughing right now, cuz it's too ironic. Right as me and Hilde are going through customs, right the very second this guy with a giant mustache is checking our passports, there's my face on like six TV screens all over the room. And you know what this anchorman is running his mouth about?

The continued debate on if we gundam pilots were terrorists or not.

Oh my God. Jesus H Christ on a stale fucking cracker. If I was going to say that, I'd say that right now. So this mustache looks at the TV, and he looks at my passport, and he looks at me, and he looks at Hilde, and she's smiling this huge smile she gets when she thinks I'm about to punch somebody and doesn't know what the fuck to do, and I'm just like...I'm standing there, like I can't even believe this is happening. Because I can't. There were five of us, ok? Five, and I was the only one in that airport, and the only one on the fucking TV. How the hell did that happen?

I don't know how long I stared at that guy's giant mustache. Then after basically forever, he says to me, "You kids have a nice day."

...YOU KIDS HAVE A NICE DAY??? At least if he'd made me go back through security, or called for back-up, that woulda been some kind of closure for having to stand there with everybody in the line staring at me for F O R E V E R. I'm about to go ballistic like a missile. If I turn out to be part of a terrorist cell while I'm here, I'm implicating the hell out of Mustache when they pick me up. Officer, I'm sorry, this would never have happened if that walrusy bastard hadn't let me into your country.

This didn't bug me at the time, I didn't even think of it until right now, but why are they even having this debate? Don't terrorists sorta have to terrorize people? I always figured a terrorist was somebody who made people do what they want by scaring the pants off them. Terrorists threaten people, they kill civilians, they make crazy ultimatums.

I killed a lotta people, ok? I don't know how many. I'm never gonna know how many it was, and I'm never gonna feel right about that, but I do know I never shot down any civilians. I never threatened anybody. None of us did! The only people who felt threatened by us were the people trying to hurt the colonies, cuz fuck it, we were the colonies.

I'm not proud of anything. I know people back home who think I'm some kinda hero, and that's just as scary and fucked up. Most of those soldiers didn't deserve to die. Hilde was an Oz soldier, and she was the same as me. She thought she believed in something. I gotta assume all those other guys were the same way. I'd be a lot happier if I could pretend they were all assholes who got what was coming to them, but I can't. Nothing's ever gonna stop me from being scared all those pilots we killed were just like us.

I'm not even that brave. I can't even pull off killing myself right. Heero had the guts to self destruct. It didn't work, but man, he was committed to it. He never sat around all glad it didn't splatter his brains. And he went to see that girl...I don't remember her name, I heard Trowa telling Q about it. But me? I was glad every day after my self destruct mechanism failed. I've been glad every day this week that I didn't break my neck before I could see Hilde again. I keep thinking of more stupid reasons to be afraid of dying.

I want to be more like Heero. Get rid of the fear, or become the fear, or whatever that guy does. Sure, he's totally insane, but I'd kill to be insane. I bet he's not sorry. I bet he doesn't sit around all night, feeling like shit because nobody is ever gonna tell him why he deserves to live. Maybe I am dead, and maybe this is Hell, because no matter what I do, I can't get out of it. I try, and try, and no mattter what, something saves me. God lets them take everything I love, but He won't let them take me. I'd be happy for Hell. At least I'd know why I was there. God is powerful enough to stop me from dying, but he won't stop me from killing anyone else. What the hell is that?

I can't even look at Hilde. We got to the hotel we're staying at tonight, and she kissed me, and I ran away. I'm in some internet cafe now. They're open all night. Looks like another round of no sleep for me. Woo! I think this waitress girl saw the TV earlier. She keeps giving me this look, and it's not really a bad kinda look, but it's weird. She seems like confused, but I bet I have her beat. Man, I don't care what happens. All I want to do is get through tomorrow, and get through this party, and go back home to Me & Hilde Land, where nobody bothers us, and nobody cares.

That's the thing about the colonies. Nobody cares. People aren't so fixated on crap up there. They don't care who you are, as long as you're not making shit storms all over everywhere. That's why the war was so stupid. If you leave colony people alone, they leave you alone. I've lived there my whole life, and I wouldn't change that. I just wanna go back. Tomorrow is gonna be so long. Oh how I wish la Peacecraft approved of underage getting tore back.